“Menchie’s yogurt comes from ‘Happy Canadian Cows’”
“Our frozen yogurt contains live and active cultures that
promote a healthy lifestyle”
“Canadian milk contains protein and calcium for healthy
lifestyles”
Finally, an alternative dessert option that really
understands our values. I mean who wants
yogurt from those oppressed North Korean cows or those socialist French cows or those Chinese cows that are ruled under a dictatorship. And
unlike Canadian milk, cows in countries like Japan are stuffed with uranium and
plutonium and those Italian cows, well, we know they are merely vessels to
transport money, drugs and sopressata for the mafia.
Menchie’s yogurt contains the live and active cultures found
in real yogurt. Never mind that it’s the
6th ingredient after sugar, corn syrup solids, skim powder and
stabilizer. That’s missing the point. Menchie’s has worked hard to eliminate ingredients
like high fructose corn syrup from its yogurt and instead has glucose-fructose,
propylene glycol, citric acid, ethyl alcohol, and sodium benzoate.
And to those cynics out there who proclaim that this is just
as bad, let me remind you of the alternative socialist regime where options
beyond sliced bread are limited. A
capitalist society requires that we forgo our health for the greater good…of
Menchies. Menchie’s has to have some unhealthy
ingredients in its products, otherwise it would cease to exist. I mean, there are no other options.
Think about it, natural yogurt ingredients are prohibitively
expensive. Why waste time with natural
ingredients when we can replace them with cheap artificial ones? Sure, corn isn’t a natural ingredient in
yogurt but it’s really cheap so why not replace some of the more expensive
natural ingredients with corn syrup solids and guar gum? And to those leftists out there who argue
that it’s not really yogurt anymore, all we need to do is add the vitamins and
active cultures afterwards. What’s the
difference?
And what about the flavours?
One option is to use real food such as mango slices or pure mango juice
in the yogurt. But why do that when you
can simply engineer flavours. Let’s be
honest, the 4 billion years it took to create the complex array of chemical
components found in nature’s bounty is no match to the intellectual prowess we
gained these last 200 years in chemical engineering. That’s why Menchie’s prides itself on a team
of taste engineers who can engineer flavours without having to resort to the
use of natural ingredients. Take blue
raspberry, for example (what the f*&* is blue raspberry?). Sure one option is
to combine blueberries and raspberries to provide our customers with the nutritional
value of real fruit, value that nature figured out a long time ago. But that’s really expensive and difficult to
work with. Not only that, we’re way
smarter than Mother Nature. Another
option is to create the impression of blue raspberry with a picture of a blue
raspberry at the dispenser that disguises the fact that what constitutes the
flavour is sugar, water, citric acid, natural and artificial flavours,
potassium sorbate, sodium benzoate, and food colouring blue #1.
Another reason why Menchies avoids the burden of nature’s
bounty is because they are so very excited to see us again. You see, nature doesn’t have the same level
of addictive qualities found in refined sugar.
That’s why they have a wide array of toppings that, on the one hand are
so incredibly cheap, but on the other psychologically wire you to come back for
more. And no doubt we as consumers are
eager to return. So why bother providing
real fruit and real yogurt when all we’re going to do is return at a rate that
would keep obesity levels at an all time low.
Who wants that?
